Origins, 2 of 15: 'Needy Egg'

'Needy Egg' 20x10, Acrylics on Canvas

"Icanhas Compliments?"

We fish in life, all the time, for approval, validation... These and other concepts - confidence, value, belonging - float within the pond of consciousness.

I painted this at a time when I was so insecure, and perhaps for the first time in my life becoming aware of it. I began to realize how much better I felt about myself when others praised me; and how hollow and unimportant I felt otherwise.  I realized how lost I felt when making choices for myself; almost felt like it was an impossibility...  Realization led to frustration led to change, once I recognized the absurdity of  being incapable of trusting my own judgment and especially of perceiving myself as 'invisible' if someone wasn't watching; and approving!

Going from needing the validation of others, to perceiving it as gravy over my own self-value was a strange, difficult, but ultimately empowering transition.  And I've learned that, while blessed with an arsenal of amazing support from friends and family, mine is the only support I truly and fully need.  Without myself, supporting, embracing and loving ME, the goodwill of others falls short of making a true, lasting difference.

The simple message: Trust yourself; because you can.  And in the absence of company or opinions from others, you are at your most empowered to be precisely what you need; for you.

Origins, 1 of 15: 'Bad Egg'

'Bad Egg' 5x7, Acrylics on Canvas

"I don't have the address; but..."

I used to think, 'How great would THAT be???  Not happy with my lot; trade it in!  Head not workin' for me?  Get another!  *Blisssss....*'

Somewhere along the way, however, I've changed my, well, yes... my mind! IRONIC, YES!!! 

Fact is, I loved to think that switching out less-than-desireable aspects of myself would make me happier.  Far worse, I easily imagined that others who seemed to have what I wanted were somehow happier for it.  Happier... What IS that, anyway; more affluent, better looking, smarter, a heck of a sports player, married with children, married without children... less stressed... more smiley, taller, shorter... green eyes, blue.............................................

Current thoughts on the subject?  Rubbish; there are no trade-ins.  However,... there is somewhat of an ex-CHANGE policy, and that, my friends, is real.  

Somehow (and I use 'somehow' because I've yet to understand exactly how), Eureka!  I realized that one's perspectives will change one's perceptions.  Simple: when taking a photograph, walk ten paces to your right and re-aim your camera... Different, yes?  And you may catch something that wasn't in the frame before, but that does not mean it wasn't always there, or that for not having seen it, it was somehow less real...  Perceptions and outlook, I began to understand, have so little to do with what we see in a moment (do, live, experience) and so much to do with how.  Experimental, at first, I made a 'choice'.  I chose to perceive all which I did not see - do, live and feel - as equally valid as what I did.  When I began to validate the prospect of happiness as resolutely as I validated my pain - view them as equals, if you will - I realized the degree to which I could shift my reality and make of it what I wished. 

Agonizing realization, really... Pain is my choice???  Yes.  Yes it is, dear.  It is... 

Agonizing, but wait! EMPOWERING!!  I can??  Yes.  You can.

So, I didn't trade my head in; I traded how I use it. Now, I choose to keep my head, tyvm. I rather like it ^.^

~~~

Believe in choice.

Believe that your choices can be different.

Believe that what you feel, in a moment, is no more valid that what you don't yet feel.  And believe that you can feel differently!

Believe you can create a new reality; and it IS equally as valid as everything else you may have known before it.



Crack(ED)

'Cracked Egg' 36x24, Acrylics on Canvas

"I'm not a sadist, I just play one on canvas."

 Art walk.  A couple walks into the studio, looking no different than the good number of others that have come through that night...  They approach the wall where I have my 'Origins of an Egghead' group of works - my original 15, and admittedly the most 'emotional'.  They exchange some words, point to this work, then that... I'm having a chat with friends, but offer up my usual: "If you have any questions about my art work, I'm happy to answer them." 

"You are the artist?" She seems confused.

"Yes."  I smile; not falsely.  I'm happy.  Good night; good friends...

She, and who I've gathered is her husband, approach, "These are very emotional pieces..."  She still seems confused.

"Yeap", I blurt; big grin.

"You don't look like someone who painted these..."  Whether she realizes it or not, she's starring.

"She's a psychiatrist," the husband adds.

"Very emotional work... Congratulations", she finally adds and they leave the studio.

What the..............

Offended at first - what exactly should I look like - I quickly realize the magnitude of the compliment I've just received; and decades-old fears fall from me in flakes...  I am not defined by my past.  I am not perceived as broken.  The face I wear today is unburdened.  I look happy, because I am.  'Shelled', if you will, I am unburdened through these expressions on canvas because past realities have found a new place to exist: outside of my head.  And there is vacancy for every good I choose today.  Maybe I'm cheating... I haven't decided.  But, I let Egghead take the hits, both past and future.  He can take it, and I can move on with my life.

So what exactly should an egg-sadist look like?

My Greatest Success (So far...)

'Nurture' 20x20, Acrylics on Canvas

"I give you the gift of my experience, that you may be better for it."

By far, my greatest success to date has little to do with my career/passion/calling... and yet, everything to do with it.  Funny, how 'life' happens while you're not looking, because today's interactions on Facebook, while seemingly random individually, collectively brought me to realize as much.  Now I'm here, on what I feel is a platform of expression long overdue for me.  And what began as a minimalist (surely meaning 'safe') way to explore/express my own life experience - my 'EGGHEAD SERIES' - becomes something truer to what I now believe has been its intended purpose all long: "I give you the gift of my experience, that you may be better for it."  Because my greatest success to date has been the resolute transformation of dark to light; within my own mind.  A tedious and bloodied confrontation against old impressions, terrible habits and perspectives which, with the courage to surround myself with people who challenge me, I have dispelled, dismissed and overcome.  And I aim to pay it forward, motivated by the fact that struggle, confusion; the mess... are not my own.  They belong to all of us.  So it took me a while to figure out how to handle my share... I've got it now ;)  And if I can help cut down the time for anyone in this world by sharing what I've learned, well, let's go...

Volumes on what/how/why won't follow.  Though I am an open book, I choose to keep it simple here.  What follows, in sum, are discoveries... As Egghead progressed, so did I, and with each of 'his' steps, I continue to do so... I share with you what I realized about life; what he's helped me realize about myself.  These are simply my impressions, my visions and ultimately my choices.  And I give them over freely...